Dear... Pretender
I am a liar and I know it. In reality, we are all born liars, some are just better at it than others. Better in a way that they can lead totally different lives than what they are meant to be living because of their deceptions and lying. And sometimes, it’s not even about lying to other people, but mostly lying to themselves - that they are not who they were born to be, that they can manipulate their way out of this situation and into a completely new life. Sometimes, we get so good and natural at it, that we forget how to tell apart the lies from the truth and we start to believe the lies as the ultimate truths. I know for certain that that is exactly what happened to me. Pretending for so long that I am strong and unaffected by all of the things that happens in my life that I can't even remember how to be real to myself anymore. I grew up having to learn and live manipulating my environment and the people around me just to protect my self and my heart from all of them, that I really can't discern it anymore. It became a habit, a way of life, what is natural to me now. My manipulations and web of lies became my truth and salvation. I started to think to myself, if the people meant to protect me and take care of me won't do it, then I will do it for myself. I will do everything in my power to protect my own even if it means becoming the person that I needed protecting from to begin with.
I can't help it that every time I look at my family, all I can see are red beaming eyes and silhouettes, I can't help that they all have assimilated so much like each other that I can barely tell them apart from each other. I can't help that I have so much hatred and fear and anxiety in my heart where all the good things should be. I am not a balanced being, I am merely a complete darkness smart enough to portray half of me as good and hide all of the bad things lurking in me. I am a psycho, just waiting for my turn to explode and get messy. I am neither good nor bad. I am just a person who had to learn how to pretend to be one or the other to benefit me in any situation that I get into. I am not who people know, nor am I who I know myself as. Merely nothing, if that makes sense.