Dear... Mom
I know it was hard for you when dad left, it was hard for me too. But what you don’t understand is that it affected me just as much as it affected you.
You constantly tell me how you’re alone in the world, how if you never had me you’d be free, how much I disappoint you. You blame my mental state on the bullies at school but you need to see that nothing compares to the bullies at school as my bully at home. I’m never enough. And then when I try to tell you how I feel, you deny my feelings and tell me you feel worse.
I tell you I’m trying my hardest and all you say is, "Well it doesn’t look like it".
You always have to be right and believe me I know you’re struggling and I do everything I can to help out but I’m drowning and no one hears me. I need help too. I constantly tell you how dead I feel and you simply dismiss my feelings.
You know all those scars I got from shaving? They weren’t from shaving and to this second I’ve never told anyone that I cut because I really don’t do it that often. I don’t want to kms but sometimes I just want to die. I want to not feel all these things that I’m feeling but at the same time I want to feel something. Something real.
I want to be loved where it doesn’t seem forced. I want a love by someone who isn’t legally required to. I trust no one. Not even the people who think they’re my closest friends.
I just need to know that I’ll get better.
I need to know that life will get better.