Dear... David
F**k you.
Why do all the things I have to say to you make me feel like you're an ex who left me. Maybe that's because you are.
I loved water polo. I loved being exceptional at something, and I loved that you noticed. But after that trip to Amsterdam, I was left heartbroken and hopeless trying to pick up the pieces. It's hard not to think about how I felt after Morgan left when I think about this. How these two experiences made me feel so similar. With Morgan, I experienced what it is like to be young and in love. He made me feel desired and beautiful and sexy and special and smart and perfect... He always said I was perfect, and that bothered me. Maybe because under all that I knew I was just a side chick. I was crazy to think he would pick me before wrestling. But like the good side piece that I was, I held out and hoped he would come around and... leave her and choose me?
I wanted to be the number 1 girlfriend, just like I wanted to be the number 1 athlete. I did everything I could to be the best - and I felt like I was doing everything right. Which is why it was so hard to be told that you didn't want me. I knew my time in Montreal wasn't a true showcase of my athletic capability, for f**k’s sake I was in a car accident just a few months before. I lost my mother that year, and she was gone for many years after that day. That period of my life shaped me. I had to be strong for my family. I ignored everything that my body was using to remind me that I was in the car with my mother.
I know I wasn’t the best one at the camp. I get it. I wouldn't have picked me either. What broke my heart wasn't the fact you cut me. What broke my heart is that I never f**king heard from you again. You never watched another one of my games, you never checked in, you never asked me to come back to another camp. Did you ever think about me? I played four years of NCAA div I, I played with the top athletes in the world, and I managed to get recognized every f**king year. I worked my ass off. No one can tell me I didn't improve. But where were you? If you came to a game, or even sent me an email about how you saw a clip of me and that I still wasn't quite there - I would get it. But the fact that I was in the same conference with your athletes - ranked against them - competing every year with them, and still. Silence. So forgive me. Forgive me if I come across a bit prickly. Forgive me if I avoid you. I'm hurt. Maybe this was supposed to the end of the line for me. But the fact that I didn't have a choice has destroyed me.
I'm not trying to blame you for my situation. I simply want to explain to myself why I get overwhelmed when I even hear the mention of your name. I just wanted to say that, at some point in these last 6 years, if you had contacted me, maybe things would have been different. Or maybe I would have still been heartbroken. Good thing this is being read by no one. Because the damage is done, and here I am trying to move forward the best I can.