Dear... Missing Piece
Hi!
It's been years since I've been able to talk to you. It seems like from the last time we saw each other so many things have changed. I think it's best I catch you up on all that you've missed first!
I've moved quite a lot; from that small apartment I had to live in an old house with a friend of my father. He was nice, but his wife hated me. She went out of her way to make my life miserable there. I slept on the floor to be able to be near to my two dogs. I was in the second year of college at the time and was still trying to raise my skills. Eventually I got so caught up in trying to be someone, that I wasn't able to take care of my dogs properly. Garfield died on his 9th birthday, I was in the city with some friends when he passed. It was my dad who told me. Garfield was a beautiful dog, large with thick honey like fur. He was serious and grouchy, just like his owner; my late mother. He was there through all of the hard times in my life and losing him drove me into madness. I got him cremated with the little money I had at the time and buried myself in my schoolwork.
Eventually, Sheldon, the younger dog, started to act strange. He had always loved Garfield and would not do anything without the older dog. Losing him was equally as painful for Sheldon and I failed to realize that. With my father's friend's wife making my life a living hell, I spent more time outside than at home. I left early in the morning and went back late at night. I didn't notice that Sheldon's health had been steadily declining. He had been losing so much weight and was no longer the bright and playful dog that I had. Some nights, when I felt the pain I was hiding envelop me in sadness, I would carry Sheldon on my lap and sing him a song. We would watch the empty night sky as I reminisced happier times when life wasn't as hard, as Sheldon lay silently listening to my tears.
Sheldon passed on his birthday; he was euthanized.
I had been so busy with school that I paid little attention. Sheldon had started having nosebleeds. I was able to get him checked but failed to bring him back until it was too late. On his own birthday, Sheldon was diagnosed with leukemia. It would take months and thousands and thousands of money to get him to even be remotely better. My father had just lost his job and I was a college student with roughly 200 dollars in my account. I couldn't stop crying as I carried him in my arms, he didn't know what was happening, he didn't know that I had no other choice. He didn't even know that I had given up on him. He didn't even know that I left him as he was put to sleep, too much of a coward to even be with him.
As I was haunted by the guilt, I had also found out that a cousin had been scamming me for money. Lying that the money she was asking for was to be given to our uncle who was taking care of the belongings I couldn't bring. Eventually, I was able to move out of that house and to another uncle from my mother's side. You know him. You hate him.
Life was fairly better living there, I had cousins who cared about me, free meals, good internet, a warm bed etc. However, living there came with a price. My uncle constantly guilt tripped me about things that he claimed my mother did. From debts to him and his wife to mistreating them. This also damaged my relationship with my foster sister who moved back in with her real mother when my mom died. We didn't speak for a year as my uncle poisoned me with lies and what ifs. While I struggled emotionally at home, I was also having a rough time with school. My relationship with my chosen group of friends were crumbling. I was starting to see how terrible the people I hung out with were and needed to find a way out.
Like the coward that I am, I moved out of my uncle's house once a house that my cousin paid for, was finished being built. I lived off of a few pieces of bread a day to save money. My dad wasn't happy with me moving and refused to pay for the bills. Everything I paid for was from my allowance. Then at school, I eventually fell out with said friends. They tried to contest me getting my diploma, they even went as far as going to social media to humiliate me.
But don't worry, I got my degree and a medal to match, too.
Now, I'm currently unemployed. The cousins that I am currently neighbors with, hate me due to an even longer story, and I am all alone. I'm barely surviving off of the last few bucks I have and have come to terms that I have depression.
All that said, I wonder if you would be proud of me if you could see me now. You dreamed the stars and the moon for me and I returned it with uncontrollable anger. You loved me when you didn't have to, took care of me when you didn't need to and raised me to be more than who I should be. Yet here I am, a bigger failure than I ever thought of.
My Aunt -
- Mommy, if you saw me today, would you still love me?
You taught me to see the best in life, to live more than what I could achieve to continue the life that cancer ruthlessly took from you. Everyday I am eaten by my conscience knowing that if you were still here today you would be out there, trying new activities, smelling new flowers, tasting new recipes. While here I am, holed up in my room, wondering if death is the best option for me. I feel like I'm wasting my life and disappointing you with every breath I take. Since your passing, I feel like I've never been the same. I feel like I'm walking under the shell of someone that I'm not.
If you're reading this, which I know is impossible, I hope you know that I miss you dearly. When I close my eyes, I imagine your laugh and your smile and the love that I feel whenever you were around. The dark days are far from over, but I hope that even in the struggle, even if you're far away, even if you can't, you still continue to love me. Because it's your love for me that kept me alive and it's what I'm holding on to just to keep me going.
I miss you, Mommy. Please come back to me.