Dear... My Family
I don't want to be a part of it anymore. My family is not who I am. I want to escape the never-ending stress loop that is my flesh and blood. And I'm struggling.
It all started when I was 10. My emotionally erratic ADD sister had a child. She was 19. I was left behind. I was left by myself. Because she was selfish. She got most of the support which drained my parents and I was left behind. With a depressed and anxious mother and a father who worked full time, I never really heard the words “I love you” and “I'm here for you” anymore. I stopped getting hugs, kisses or a second thought. If I seemed okay, there was no problem. Everyone was off in their own worlds. I never remember being praised and I never remember my family being interested in who I was or what I like doing. The only attention I got was if I was struggling in school.
Whenever I had something on my mind that was hurting me or bringing me down, I would see my parents sitting in the living room, dazing off, zoned out to the TV. They looked tired and stressed. What energy could they possibly have to help me. They didn't really care, as long as I didn't cause a problem.
My teenage years were hard and painful. I thought I was ugly, not-worthy, dumb, a waste of space. To this day I don't believe I am capable of great things. Back then I didn't realise what was happening in my family… but my 15 year old self desperately needed my parents’ love and affection and just to be told that your life is worth something.
My sister then had another child, but this one has low-functioning autism. And now, I just resent my sister and my parents. Dealing with an unstable sister, who is barely looking after 2 children while one has autism, is hell. The stress it has caused my family is detrimental. Again, selfish.
I am 22 now. No job, no self-esteem, no savings, no confidence as a woman. I still feel 17. Living at home has caused me to absorb everyone’s insecurities. But how can I even escape.
My Birthday is on the 15th of January. On new years eve, my father left my home and didn't come back. My parents are now divorcing and it's hard, really hard. My mother’s mental health is terrible. She's getting help but she still cries out in desperation. But you know what? I have no empathy. My mother has never been emotionally available; she has outbursts of anger, she constantly nags, always wants something, always swearing and raising her voice. The past few years, she has said she feels ill everyday, has constant doctor visits, boxes of medication, constant headaches, never wants to be annoyed. Anything I would ask was met with a sigh of frustration. I don't feel sorry for her anymore, I don't feel sorry for my dad, for my sister. No one. I deserved a better family.
I understand that it could have been worse. Sometimes I'm grateful when I think of it that way. But I am still not the women I thought I was going to be. I still feel powerless. I'm still struggling with my identity. I still don't feel loved.