Dear... My First Love
In my average life, I’ve met amazing people, made great friends, developed crushes and somehow along the way, you became all three. I don’t know what I had expected going into high school, but I definitely didn’t think I’d fall in love. I know it may sound crazy and obscure, but it’s true.
I’ll never forget when I first saw you, I’ll say it over and over again because you terrified me. You know I tend to overthink a lot of things, and that included my musical capabilities. You were so much more experienced and your skills undermined and overwhelmed me who barely had any practice. Yet, the whole entire time, you didn’t show any signs of disappointment or annoyance. It also felt a little difficult to talk to you, even if I was sitting next to you. The obvious reason was that I was a freshman and you were a senior. However, after some short awkward conversations and time, you and I started to become a lot more comfortable with each other. You’re probably wondering when and why I fell in love with you, to begin with, and if I actually “love” you.
Love is for the longest time had been such a powerful word that means a lot of things. And, I genuinely believe this word fits what I felt getting to know you. Just a mere word of “like” or “small crush”, didn’t give enough emphasis to my feelings, because I was smitten and you were the only person on my mind 24/7. But it didn’t just happen overnight, the first instance I’d noticed feeling different was during a marching band rehearsal. During a school day in band, we’d talk about Arizona’s and somehow I’d mention wanting one. And so, when I came to sit down for rehearsal in the evening, you took a can out of a bag and handed it to me, and I was not prepared. You were probably being nice and friendly, but in my eyes and mind, it held so much more meaning. You were a senior and I was a mere freshman who would be irritating, yet you still went out of your way to and thought of me when you got one. After that, began a beautiful bond that only we could have. We joked around, talked a bit about our feelings, laughed, and made each other smile. Every day I would find something new about you and the little moments we shared kept me falling in love. I saw you in a different light, and thus began the little seed that was planted in my heart.
Once I’d finally confessed to myself one night that I had a crush on you, I started to think more about the situation I was in. I knew a freshman liking a senior was practically taboo and frowned upon. I tried convincing myself it wouldn’t end well and I’d get hurt in the end. It was a battle between my head and heart, and of course, as you probably could tell, my heart was the victor. I told myself it wouldn’t be that bad, 8 months was a long time to go and it would be enough to create more memories with you. But I was so wrong. 8 months was not enough time to properly create and nurture a true friendship. To develop something so fragile, I needed more time than I thought. Sadly though, in just a blink of an eye, you were already walking out the doors for good. You’ve made my heart so much brighter and healthier, but along with those came long nights of being frustrated, aggravated, and most times solemn.
As our time became shorter, I started realizing how much I had truly fallen in love with you and that broke me. I cried long nights away thinking of you with some other person who wasn’t me, and yeah I’m jealous. Who wouldn’t? You’re confident, intelligent, admirable, considerate, ambitious, hard-working, and selfless. Looks didn’t matter to me when it came to you, some people might say different, but I chose you because of what was inside. However, I fell too deep to climb back out and remain unscathed. You had become so important to me, you’d become a source of support, gave me confidence, and so much happiness no one else could. It genuinely pained me that all of this would be the demise of me. I couldn’t tell you what I felt since I treasure what we have, if I can still talk to you I would do anything even if it meant I wouldn’t be with you. Because, in the end, I want the best for you, for you to have your happiness even if I’m not in it. And, because you were never mine, to begin with.
I’d try to forget you, but you still linger in my mind, the moments we had are memories I’ve never made with anyone else. You gave me a new feeling that spurted beautiful flowers in me, but even if they were beautiful, I couldn’t breathe. I don’t know what will happen in the future, I try to stop my thoughts thinking about you, yet you played such an important role in my life, I’m not sure how and if I can ever do so. I hope you’ll still think of me from time to time, that’s all I ask for, even if it’s just a millisecond because that means you still remember me. Thank you for being my first love, I wish you all the best for wherever you go, and I hope maybe one day our paths will cross in the future.