Dear... You
I took on a lot of the blame during our break up. I was the one to end it after all, but the truth is our relationship was toxic.
You slowly took away all my self worth and in the end, I felt like I no longer had a personality. I never cursed at you, called you an a**hole or yelled even though I had every right to. Because I was actually scared you might hurt yourself, you sure were capable of it. I remember this one time you said you didn't know if you wanted to have kids because you want the darkness that runs in the men in your family to end with you. I felt very sad that someone could think this of themselves and I was pretty sure showing you what happiness could look like would help you find your inner peace. But after that one night you broke my heart by calling me a bitch over something so insignificant, I thought "maybe you're right". I felt terrible just thinking this. You've always been honest about who you are and I should've listened.
So I let you call me a selfish bitch for leaving and kept my mouth shut about all the things that have hurt me. In my heart I could never forgive you for cursing at me, it just crossed a personal boundary and staying
with you after that would've meant I had to let go of a piece of self respect and I just couldn't do it. So on the one side, I'm very sad you made me feel like I have no self worth, on the other side I'm thankful you made me realise that I do have it and I'm capable of fighting for it. Sometimes I think about all the women stuck in toxic relationships because they just can't get out. I was definitely not going to be one of them.
I don't want to take our baggage into a possible next relationship. A future man won't pay for mistakes that happened between us. But there is one thing you ruined for me and that's sex. There, I finally said it.
You wanted something from me I didn't want to do. And out of love, I agreed to try it. I hated it and you knew this. Even then you kept trying to go for it and even when there were tears in my eyes because I didn't feel good about it... you still kept going for it. And I hate myself for letting you do that. You didn't force me to do it, but you didn't care I didn't enjoy it either. For the first time in my life, sex became something I just 'wanted to get over with. Before you, I only had fantastic experiences. With you, sex started to feel like a chore, or leaving me feeling dirty, ashamed or something I tried to avoid. I promised myself I will never let it get that far again. So thinking about being with a new partner sexually does make me very nervous. I'm very worried about things going in the same direction. And if it does, I will walk out the door immediately.
I don't regret the time we've been together, I've learned a lot about life and relationships. And I do hope you find inner peace and happiness. I just don't want to give up mine for that.