Dear... .
Maybe I'm broken, maybe I don't know what I want, maybe my heart is calling for someone to save it. Maybe a lot of things. But one thing is for sure that there is something hurting inside me. I know something is hurting and hurting bad.
I feel like no ones hears my quiet call for help. No one sees how much I need whatever it is that is missing. I feel as though I am in a room filled with sound, people, happiness. But all I see and hear clearly is how broken I am and all the thoughts that tag along with it.
I need help, I know being sad will never change anything. I know that being upset, being "depressed" will never help me. It doesn't make me special that I am sad because then again I feel as though everyone in our messed up generation is slowly following such a path of despair.
I have liked so many guys, more clueless than the last time. As I fall in the same trap over, over and over again. I am hurting myself allowing all these boys to come in my life and hurt me. Put me through pain and suffering just to leave it again. All I do is cry about how I can't see a path of light ahead of me. How I'm so passionate about love but I’m the only one who keeps failing at it so bad. And what hurts more is that it has nothing to do with my beauty. It’s all that my personality lacks something different from the other depending on the boy. If it were that I was too available, too easy, then they hurt me then expect me to stay.
Boys, all they do is give me hope in humanity, in giving life one more shot. Making me see that rainbow at the end of the tunnel that I never get to see. Just to take it all away from me before I even get the chance to take it all in. I always call my happiest or best state the state of being "content." And sadly enough I have only described my life in such a way where I feel content maybe twice in the last two years.
I’m broken, I can't be fixed and I accept it. I accept the idea that no matter how much I want to love and be loved I may never get that chance I've been longing for, for so long. I may never smile at the boy I like while we sit there and watch a movie. I may never get to cook with the love of my life and end up completely ruining whatever I was making with him. Being so lost in the way he made me feel. I may never feel anything again because I was hurt so many times that if I felt anything again I’d cry.
I’m one of the saddest people you will ever meet. I make everyone else smile. I am one of the happiest people any of my friends have met. People only see me smiling I’m never sad or upset and I’m always making sure everyone else is happy. Forgetting what it feels like to have someone be that person for me. I keep thinking that maybe it’s the country, maybe if I leave I’ll find everything I’m looking for. But no matter where I go people are people. People will hurt you and love you, leave you, kill you, make you laugh, make you cry.
People are different and not always what we want.