Dear... The Judgemental People
So here’s the thing,
For the longest time I’ve always guilt tripped myself.
Why?
Because I’m actually a horrible person, well was,
I was a horrible person
Past tense.
I did horrible things. But I’m not saying I wasn't a good person because I was; I am a good person, a good person that did horrible things.
I think this whole time I’ve been trying to find myself and I still am. But day by day, little by little it’s happening.
Everyone has a different life and mine just so happens to be a big puddle of mistakes and shame.
See this puddle is so big that I’m learning how to swim out of it.
And slowly, I am.
I’m not the best of the best people out there, I admit I can be wishy washy.
Let’s actually get to the point and tell you why I’m writing this.
I’m writing this because I’m tired of beating around the bush, I’m tired of not telling the whole truth.
I feel like people shouldn't feel like they cant talk because they are embarrassed of what they did.
Past, everyone has one, and god, nobody is perfect.
It’s like for some reason people feel a lot better when they judge you on what you did. But in reality, your honesty is not any better.
I mean yeah, maybe you haven’t done what they did, but the fact you’re comparing yourself to them is even worse.
As in, "look what she did I would never do something like that."
But in reality why does it matter? Who cares what they have done?
Past tense again.
Everyone has a past.
Previous life.
I was a whore as some people call it. I don’t call myself that. I was actually someone looking for something.
That something was love, I wanted to feel f**kin love.
See, I had an alcohol problem and to get it I would sleep with guys.
Does that make me a prostitute? Or is that only for money? If so, I had sex for money one time. But I was drunk, but I still did it.
I know - super gross - what was I thinking?
I honestly wasn’t thinking anything besides the liquor I wanted on my tongue and the drunk thoughts repeating… this is the best it can get.
But my sober thoughts saying that is the worst it can get.
I was a terrible friend.
Because of my drunk thoughts getting the best of me I slept with my best friend’s boyfriend.
You see I ate myself up over that, I held that over my head for three years.
But in all honesty she’s no better than me.
She blames the needle in her arm as my fault. But she’s a lost soul.
I’m have no room to judge because what I did was messed up, I mean seriously, what kind of friend does that? A drunk friend that had some serious issues.
Ah, past tense.
Does having sex for meth sound bad? I mean i didn’t have sex for meth, I would smoke meth then have sex but it almost sounds like I f**ked for meth right?
I actually liked the guy that got me on meth.
Why?
Because he was a dick. And I’m attracted to dicks.
But honestly he was another lost soul. He was the kind of person who wanted me to get high so he could have his way with me.
And oh he did,
I liked the attention he gave me, it was the kind of attention I resented, but from him it was the kind I craved.
Okay, the truth was it was the meth taking over me. I didn’t find love in him though in fact, I found a lot of enmity in him.
I found the worse part of me I thought I didn’t have.
That was my addiction for meth.
Wanna here something insane? Meth had me wrapped around its finger tighter than depression.
Not to sound insane, because you don't know that depression used to be my best friend.
Used to be, there I go with the past tense again.
Yes, depression, that’s why alcohol and sex and meth are in my life. That's how I cope.
I do have to admit though, the mental facilities and the medications I was put on made it so much worse.
I was trapped behind a closed door and every time I opened it
It was a god damn new diagnosis the doctor just made up,
I think so anyways. I could honestly be full blown crazy but crazy people don’t know they’re crazy.
Do they?
Wanna know who's crazy, no not crazy a full blown psychopath.
My ex, the dude was a narcissist.
I wasn’t the innocent girl in that relationship,
I did lie to him, yes I slept with another man but I did tell him I was done with him but still came back home to him.
I also got pregnant by the other man.
Ouch… so now it looks like I’m the bad guy…
Like I said, I wasn’t innocent, but I didn't cheat. I don't think i did anyways.
Yeah I got pregnant by another man.
The worst of the worst is everyone around me told me to get an abortion.
Even you, my ex, in fact you made me burn my ultrasound picture.
I got an abortion because my mind was mentally too weak to have a baby. I couldn’t take care of myself, let alone a child.
I didn’t want to, I had to. I think that made me selfish.
See the thing with my ex, he was a manipulator, he was the voices in my head saying I was better off dead, but instead of voices it was his actual words, saying I was better off dead. The repetition of him saying that over and over was the voices in my head.
He was the type to call me a whore, then get mad if I didn’t sleep with him.
So imagine how that could f**k with someones head.
But like I said, I wasn’t innocent.
He was the worst of the worst kinds of people out there, the kind I despise.
I never got the name of the guy that got me on pills. I just caught the disease called addiction,
Yeah you used me, but that's okay I opened my legs because you got me high.
You see, if I would have known I was going to overdose and almost lose my life, I still would have taken those pills.
What?
Do you understand what I just said there? I admitted pills used to be better than my life.
Past tense.
The razors I used to put on my wrists, I was afraid of.
So why did I do it? Maybe to make sure I was still alive inside.
Like I said, I was trying to swim out of my big puddle of mistakes and shame.
It wasn’t just mistakes and shame.
It was regrets and hurt.
You think of losing your virginity, this whole set out plan, wait to get married and have kids. Well thats how I planned it at least.
But
I didn’t have a choice.
I wasn't ready but they were.
So I was raped.
You can imagine how that impacts a girl that’s not ready,
That's how all this began.
Me drinking and having sex, mental facilities, cutting, meth, pills, mind games.
I remember when I was walking up the stairs and his sweaty hands were touching my body.
That was the second time I was raped.
Wow, could you imagine if I wasn’t drunk both times, what the outcome would have been?
Don't blame it on the alcohol,
Can we be honest, drunk minds and drunk bodies do the things we would have never done sober.
I’ve done some very wrong things. But the difference between me and you is I’ll admit the things I’ve done wrong, because you are still scared of people judging you, I would be too.
But there comes a time where it shouldn't matter anymore.
You don’t tell people things because you don’t want to feel the feelings of shame or embarrassment.
See, people only judge you because they aren’t any better, they have to make you feel some type of way to make them happy or have some kind of pride.
Past tense, everyone has a past, and thats a little of mine.