Dear... You
It’s been a while hasn’t it? Almost two months since our last conversation, if we can call it that. You know, nights seem to be stretched out whenever I think about you, like they’re eternal. I’ve made new “friends” who are really nice, but they can never fill the gap you left behind. I miss our conversations, I miss waking up to see a message from you, I miss telling you about my day, but most of all I miss telling you how much I love you... and I still do, so much.
These feelings won’t go away any time soon, which is why I’m trying to focus on what’s important in my life right now. The beginning of this year has not treated me like I’d want it to. First, us getting into a stupid argument, two weeks later and we’re through just like that, but it wasn’t because of our argument, it was because you lied to me. February came and honestly I thought I was doing great, didn’t feel a thing, until I started to experience the loneliest nights. I even thought that maybe hurting myself could make me feel something, but never went through with it, I was scared. My birthday came up on the same month and I didn’t get that “Happy Birthday” I was looking so forward to. I was dumb to think that day would give me a chance to talk to you, so dumb. You know, I cried even when I was trying to have fun because the thought of you always makes me cry. Even now I feel like I can’t breathe properly, and this is so new to me, I’ve never loved someone the way I loved you.
We’re now at March and nothing has changed. I still listen to every song you recommended, I still read those cute paragraphs you used to send me, I still remember the dreams I had about you, I still love you. This week has been hell to me and I can’t tell you about it because you’re gone. I’m really lonely and I just don’t feel like myself anymore. I still remember how we used to pretend we had a family of our own or how we’d talk about going to the supermarket together just to spend time with each other. I used to say it then and I’ll say it now, anything I do with you - no matter how small - would make me the happiest girl because all I cared about was being able to be with you. We never got that chance and we never will. I’ve wanted to hurt you in so many ways but in the end all I want is happiness for the both of us, even if we’re not in each other’s lives.
So thank you, thank you for letting me love, even if it wasn’t as long as I wanted it to be, even if it wasn’t real for you.