Dear... Husband Turned Stranger
How have you been? Can’t believe it’s been months since I’ve heard from you — no matter the circumstances nowadays or in spite of key events that would have merited even a simple message. I guess that’s just how upset you are with me. How unforgiveable and irrelevant I am to you. It hurts but I understand. I also didn’t want to reach out, even indirectly, because of that same anger you have towards me. I have just been trying to respect your wishes to let you be. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you though. Hoping you are doing well. Wanting to share some quick laughs over something that reminded me of you, share some stories about experiences these days, talk about anything under the sun. Each day just praying you and your family are all okay.
However, I’m taking the courage now though to reach out... I risk again how cold you’ll react to me (if you do at all) and how you’ve easily discarded me again (just like all these months) because I feel what I have to say is very important and I think it’s something you should know too.
While there seems to be no real end to this Covid season, and with the external situation becoming more challenging, I wanted to share that there’s light at the end of another dark chapter in life. I hope that it brings you comfort knowing that things are somehow settling down and that it brings you courage and peace to not be afraid or mad at me anymore — maybe even truly forgive me and be open to talk to me again. Praying that it can give us a chance to actually move forward from all of this... hopefully together.
I guess you already know but I just want to share again that on my first day back in the office in March, the situation aligned itself and gave me a chance to go up to her. I calmly went to her, hugged her tightly, and sincerely said that everything is okay with me. And I meant it. In that moment, I truly let go of all the anger, the hate and pain for everything that happened. With powerful grace, I forgave completely, not just her but most especially you. Since then, I have just fully trusted that the hurtful betrayal and mistakes of the past are over and will no longer happen. It was one of the greatest reliefs and healing moments of my life.
I guess you also would have heard by now that the legal case has been closed. It’s actually been closed since March but communications got postponed due to lockdown. I was just told that no further actions will be asked of me and no more communications will be given to me on the matter. While I don’t know the outcome, I continue to pray that it’s something that will finally bring you peace. No matter how you mistakenly view my actions, I want you to know that all throughout the case and up to the end, I pushed that the careers of all people involved be protected. I’ve even pushed that no further actions be done anymore and that they would hopefully just drop the case. I may never know what will happen, if my inputs were at all considered. But please know that I’ve been trying my best to correct all my mistakes. I know the company will always choose to keep and protect you. It was the right thing for you not to resign, for you to choose your career, especially because it’s really important for you.
Finally, I want to share with you that during my last therapy session back in early April, I had a breakthrough. My therapist was actually so surprised at what I’ve achieved. She’s now become lenient with the pace of my sessions, from weekly to biweekly and now just monthly (if at all needed, which so far I haven’t). My mental state, flawed coping mechanisms, how I chose to deal with the situation was all on me. I was unwell then, and like any condition or illness there’s a cure that I had to take and actions I need to do to stay healthy. I continue them and am now in a much better place, better adjusted, less critical of myself and others, more fluid about life yet confident in what I can do and offer, more self-compassionate and overall reassured of my life’s value. May this finally bring you peace, and allow you to be free from any burdens, because it was never your fault or your responsibility. You were not the cause nor the solution, it was all me... and I know and am all better now.
With all this, I realize that all things can break but also that all things can be mended — not just with time, but with commitment and intention. And it was with the best intentions that I’ve taken huge action resulting in the progress, healing and growth I’ve achieved these months.
One more realization and last intention stands for me. It’s the most challenging one but I know it would also be the most rewarding of all — my heartfelt intention to reconcile with you, rebuild our relationship and restore our marriage again. No longer going back to the broken one it used to be, but committing to working hard on it and giving it a chance and possibly making it stronger and better than before.
With everything that’s going on, the whole world in disarray, confusion, lives lost and with a future so uncertain, I truly feel it is a sign to put aside differences and really forgive fully, trust completely and most importantly, choose to love everyday — deeply, truthfully, unconditionally, and with all our heart.
I know you blame me for everything that went wrong for you, faulting me for all of this. Maybe you’ve even forgotten me and have grown comfortably in your new life. I really feel it... so point well taken and fully understood. And again, I’m truly very sorry for the things I’ve said and done that hurt you. I was wrong too. But know that I’m trying to be a better person everyday and I’m continuously learning too... and willing to work hard to prove that to you.
I pray that in time, you would truly forgive me, open up to me again, let your guard down, trust me and allow me a chance to protect and take care of your heart. I hope you would at least start talking to me again. I realize this is not easy for you and I am very much open to work on it with professionals, counselors, close family members (whatever works for you) so it can be facilitated in a safe environment for you. I am willing to put in the hard work that’s needed. I have been preparing myself for it and I’m ready now, at 100% all in. I am committed and willing to put up a fight for a future with you.
For now, I’ll be here for you, silent and patient, as I have been doing. I will endure everything. I will bear all your ill feelings, quick hostile judgments, all bad things you think I am, the cold distance and indifference. You are entitled to all of those feelings, to the time and course of action you need to take. It’s been painful and heartbreaking for me, but I am strong enough now to deal with it. Most importantly, I respect that it’s your process and that it will really take time, so I’ll lovingly wait.
Please know though that I am fully committed and will continue to hold on, to believe, to trust, to hope and have faith in the undeniable grace and mercy of the Lord — that He will see us through this, that He can enter our hearts and heal us, that you could forgive me fully, that your heart can be filled with patience, kindness, understanding, trust and love for me again, that you can open up to your wife (and for some time best friend) once more, that we will overcome this with a better appreciation and acceptance of each other (our true, authentic selves, just as we are with cracks and all as well as the greater potential in us), and what we mean and how much we matter in each other’s lives. May we both see and choose to love again the goodness and beauty that lies in each other’s hearts.
I am letting go of the past now and I’m grateful this time apart is also helping me on that. I just want to look forward to building new, happy, beautiful memories together whatever life has to offer and whatever may come our way. I trust that He will guide us to the right path to live the life He’s planned for us. Until then, I’m just going to be here... with you in my heart always.
I love you very much. I realize that I always have no matter the circumstance. I still choose you, just as you are.
Take good care of yourself.