Dear... Someone
Sadness is taking its toll on me, that’s why I’m writing this. I wonder what I’m gonna do with my life. All I do is lie in bed in the dark for hours a day and all I think about are bad or deep things. I wanna know why I’m still going forward, what is the point behind all of it?
I lost all hope and happiness in mid 2019, the only thing that helps me now are my friends. But sometimes just that isn’t it enough for me. I think about throwing my life away. I wanna make a mess of myself to the point of no recovery. I don’t wanna hurt anyone but myself, but that’s hard to do when people care for me.
I wanna know what it feels like to be unconditionally loved, but I know it’s never gonna happen. And it pains me. I think about it all the time. My problem is that I can’t fully express my feelings like I want to. And I feel like I'Ive ruined many things because of it. I’m stuck thinking about it every day and hating myself over it. I hate who I am. I hate everything about me. I only care for other people and not myself. There’s no reason to care about myself because there’s no future for me. I’m just a loner, I refuse to talk to new people because of my issues. It’s basically a dead end, I really can’t go anywhere from here, so what is the point in everything?
There is zero motivation in me, nothing that wants to make me keep moving on with life. I often think about leaving home and leaving everyone I know so no one remembers me. Maybe things will be better off that way. If no one remembers me or knows me, I won’t have to worry about them caring for me if something happens. I’ll just endure it all until I reach my breaking point. At this point I couldn’t really care less about what happens to me. I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings over it and that’s all that’s holding me back.
The only future I have ahead of me is nothing but suffering. It sounds edgy as fuck but it’s all I could think to explain it, because it’s true. I wish I could get high to forget about all of my problems, but that’s nearly impossible because of my area and not knowing enough people. It frustrates me. I just can’t grasp the things I really need in my life. I can’t even get a job because every time I apply I just go silent afterwards. I can’t do anything right, I guess. I mess up everything because of my problems, everything is my fault.
I don’t know how much longer I can go until I decide I’m done with everything. All it’s gonna take is a single big mishap and it’s over. I’ll be done with everything. I’ll be done with life. Lately everything just seems to be getting worse... so maybe it’ll be right around the corner and I’ll be able to finally be in peace. This all seems weird because it’s written by me, but this is what really goes on in my mind that I just can’t normally tell someone. I just want someone to be there for me and comfort me, but I’m too unstable for anyone. I know it’s not gonna happen. So every day I feel like dying, nothing is worth trying for. I am in a dark place, and I’m not so sure there’s a way out. I need a light to guide me.