Dear... Eric Of This Universe
They say first loves never work out. Maybe that’s true but I’m not sure about you, I have a share of regrets in this lifetime. Most of them are things I can change and control. They don’t bother me so much at all.
My other regret is me not being able to tell you how I felt for you before. It’s me relying on this ‘crush’ concept I’m sure I took for granted. Needless to say, I knew it was love at first sight. I knew I liked to be with you. But being me, I got ahead of myself and shushed, silenced, guillotined my feelings. I quieted down my love to crush - and that’s exactly what I am now. CRUSHed.
I am never confident. I never told the guy I liked how I liked him. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for being a coward. And look where it took me, now. I’m writing this pointless letter of my pointless feelings for you. Maybe I just need to so I can clear my mind of you. YOU. YOU. YOU.
I’m fine with us being friends. I thought of that before. I think of it right now. Can’t know for sure in the future but I’m happy with who I am with right now. I truly am. But there’s a stab in my heart every time I see you and every time I see you with her. There’s a pain in my heart when I think about you and how we are friends. Just friends. There’s a stupid side of me wanting you - wanting to be beside you. There’s a stupid part of me who wants to know an answer to a question that will jeopardize what I have with you.
I’m fine with not seeing you. I’m not fine after I see you. I’m fine seeing you, but I’m not fine when you go.
How in the world can I let this feeling go? I want to tell you but I know I can’t. I must not. At all cost. When you come by, it’s like the stars are there even when it’s not night. When you say hi, it’s like the waves caved into the sand to kiss it goodbye. When you come by, you say hi, and then goodbye.
I’ve told you once indirectly of how I felt before. I never knew I needed closure. I don’t get to have one. There was nothing opened and left ajar.
The more I get to know you the more I thought of what could have been. The more we talk, the more I fall. This pit is dangerous. I don’t like where this leads. The fall is agonizing. I dread the ending to it all.
I don’t know what the universe is conspiring, I don’t know at all. A part of me wants to be with you but I know that’s not gonna happen, I’m not a fool.
No matter how many stars we have counted that fell, there’s no story of us that will end well. But maybe, I still hope that maybe, we can be together somewhere far, far, in another reality. Maybe somehow in a parallel universe.
I loved you that day you walked past me. I love you still today when you’re beside me. But I need to stop because there’s someone else I also love. And it’s true, very true, it’s you that I can’t have.
So maybe in a few lifetimes, I hope I have the courage to say these lines:
“Hello. It’s me from before. I think we’ve met in our past. I don’t know where to start but can we make this talk not our last?”
Goodbye, my first love. Hello there, my friend.