Dear... Erin
To E,
Wherever you are in the world, I hope this reaches you.
Thank you for the once in a life time experience that I have gotten to know you. Thank you for the love you gave me when I wasn’t worthy of it at all. Thank you for the chance to love you and to be loved by you in the purest way. You were the best part of every heartbeat that I had. You are my first and my only true.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi, E. It’s been five years. I hope you’re well and happy. Five years have passed and I don’t even know why I’m writing this letter. I am currently listening to the playlist I made you five years ago and I’m reminded of the past. Every song reminds me of how we used to be and how I used to love life with you in it. I am reminded of how I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in this world.
We were both so young to understand our feelings back then. We didn’t know what to call it because we were just two young kids that knew nothing of the world but we always knew in our hearts that what we had was something special. It was so special but we kept it hidden. We hid it from the world but cherished it in our hearts. Over time, our connection grew and so did the love we had for each other. We have shared laughter and tears. We shared almost everything and we thought that was enough to keep us going. But as we grew, the world was also growing and changing until we could no longer keep up and until we got scared of the world and the life ahead of us. We were too young to have gotten through all those things but it was nice. It was a beautiful fight after all.
Five years have passed and I still search for your eyes in the face of every stranger, even though I know only you will have those eyes. I see parallels of you in everything I used to love and love now and when I think of “love”, your name still lingers in the thought of it. I still look for you in every crowded place I go, hoping I’ll see you there, but those things only happen in the movies, don’t they? I still write about you, hoping one day, you’ll be able to read it. I still make playlists for you, hoping I’ll get to share the songs with you and have you listen to them one day. I still look at the stars and think of you.
I still hold on to the memories you left me with. Even if it’s something I know will never happen, I’m still hoping our paths will cross again someday because our friendship was something I really kept for a long time and never would I have ever thought I’d lose at some point in my life. Even in the tiniest chance, a part of me will always hope.
For five long years, I never thought I could carry such a weight with me; the weight of one loss. Losing you was the strongest sense of loss I’ve ever had in my life. Our friendship was the one I held on to and I couldn’t lose it but I did on some level.
When I had to let go of you exactly five years ago tonight, I only wanted one thing, and that is for you to be happy. I wanted you to live a normal life and be free to love someone else. I wanted what was best for you even if it meant not having me anymore.
After all, I can only thank you for all those times you said, “I’ll always be here for you” and “I’m proud of you”, because those words still keep me going. I can only hope that someday, we’ll see each other again. But until then, I hope you live a life worth living and I hope you are loved by someone who’s been written for you all along.
You don’t owe me any explanation but you left me with so many questions. I continue to seek answers in the places where we used to be but I can’t find them. I can’t help but wonder how we got here. What happened? I would just like to know so I can now sleep in peace because I haven’t in five years. But whatever happens, I’m glad we met. What we had is something I know I’ll never find again.
Right now, you’ll never know what I feel and even if this memory only lives in me, I still hope that you remember even just a bit of how all of the things we did made you feel.