Dear... My Partner
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way I am, the things I think, the things I say aren't the right things for any situation. I’m sorry i have hurt you, I have betrayed you unknowingly and have lost my temper to the point where I have hit myself on numerous occasions. I’m scared, I’m pathetic and constantly trying to be that person you met but I can’t when everything in my mind screams for other emotions to be sent forward. I know you try so hard for me and I am trying for you, to be everything you have ever wanted and more.
I HAVE FAILED.
I cannot be these things and every part of me is sorry and cannot wish you to be happier than you are, happier than I make you and happier than you ever could have been if you hadn’t have met me.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write. Something is wrong with me, I am always angry and anxious. I need to be helped and need to be medicated to stem my mind from coming forward or coming up when it doesn’t need to.
You say I am atypical and I agree with you, I agree so much, but I’m scared of those words. They give me a diagnosis, which is something that is scarier than anything I have had to experience. For me, it means it is real, that it is me, that I am every bad point in my life.
I am sorry.
For everything, you deserve better than I ever could have given you.