Dear... Eating Disorder
Dear eating disorder,
When did I last see you? A minute ago? I don’t remember. But I still want to write you a letter, even though I have a headache because of you.
So, yeah, like I said, I have a headache because of you. Stomach cramps, I feel extra hungry because of you. It’s so weird. How you have been in my life maybe a year, or not even, and still you control my life like that. I can’t eat because of you, I choose you over eating. I trust you so fucking much, always when you say, ”You are not gonna eat that tomorrow”, ”you will be fat if you eat that” or ”why did you eat that? You are so fat now. You need to do a hard workout”, I listen to you. I do as you say.
It’s so weird. You control everything in my life. It’s not even always eating, did you know that? Yes. I want to tell you about my body image because every day you say, ”You are so fat,” ”nobody likes you if you look like that,” ”you are ugly, bigger than others.” My self esteem is about zero. I wear big baggy sweatshirts because of you, I think I’ll never put on tight clothes again because of you and what you say to me every day.
That means I can’t go to swim, because I hate my body. I hate summers, when I should wear t- shirts. Yes, I feel so hot but I always remember what you have said to me. And say, of course. You are always with me.
Even though I have a lovely boyfriend, still, I feel my body would be so ugly and nobody would like it. Because of you, I am afraid to have sex and to show my body.
Yes. I cry so much because of you. And it’s so weird, how you always wake up when someone is ”thinner” than me. Even that triggers me. When that happens, you are saying, ”Look! Why you don’t look like that?”
And the last thing, you always make me count calories, you make me faint, feel dizzy. Because of you and the choices I make because of you. I feel cold... but it’d be so weird without you. I am used to living a life like this.
Okay. So if you didn’t understand, I didn’t too. You are so hard to describe. I hate you, eating disorder, but it’d be so hard without you.
Dear eating disorder,
I hope some day you leave and... I don’t even know what to say. Find someone else? No. I don’t want anyone to have an eating disorder. I just want to be happy and it’s not possible with an ED.