Dear... The One Who Lingers
After all this time you would expect, I would expect, my friends would expect.. that I would have forgotten about you. That yes you are now just a memory, but not a distant one.
I still wonder what I could've done or said differently, if I could have changed your mind or changed myself to your liking.
I know how it sounds, it has been 4 years and I still think about it, I still think about what went wrong, what I did wrong or what's wrong with me?
It's the wonder I guess that I can't overcome or the maybe? I still haven't figured out which one.
What I do know is that it took me 2 years after we were no longer speaking that I was able to admit out loud to myself that yes I did love you. It took me 4 years to admit it to someone else. I was embarrassed, I was the girl that fell for a guy that didn't fall for her.
Today, in this moment, I would love to hate what you did, I want to hate how you treated me, lied to me, everything you ever kept from me but of course I don't hate you.
I still question whether I'm worth anyone’s time, if I'm worthy of love. I don't let myself care, I don't let myself trust, and I sure as hell don't let anyone get too close; because what if they see whatever you saw and they leave? Just like you left. What if they stop caring? Just like you did. What if they decide I am not good enough for them? Just like you reminded me that I wasn't.
I guess that's what makes me a little more screwed up then I tend to admit because you broke my heart.
You made me afraid to trust someone. You made me afraid to love someone. And after all this time you still linger in the back of my mind.