Dear... Boy Who I Thought I Would Love Forever
Hi.
These days, I've been thinking about you a bit. Every other day. I thought about you when I was driving home on that long bare highway the other day. I looked at a couple pictures that reminded me of you on my phone yesterday. I read a couple journal entries I wrote about you this morning.
I wonder what you're up to, and how you're doing, and if you're doing everything that you said you wanted to. I can't tell because you don't post anything on instagram anymore. And because we don't talk everyday anymore.
I was really in love with you back then, my life was exciting because you were in it. I told everyone about you and how you were cute and creative and funny. You were the first person who showed interest in me, the first person who validated me as a romantic interest. I felt like I could be loved for the first time by someone other than my parents. You showed me kindness, you stayed by my side, and you cared for me in a situation when I panicked and didn't know what to do. We texted and talked everyday for a year and three months. It was nonstop, there was not one day that we didn't talk about fun stuff. My connection to you was everything and I held on to it so tightly. "Good morning, good night." I idolized you; I adored you. But you didn't feel the same way about me.
I told you my feelings in December of 2018. I said you were cute and that I liked you a lot. You said I was cute, too. We kept talking, and in March 2019 you said you didn't feel the same way; that you just wanted to be friends and that was it. It was painful and I cried until my eyes were swollen that night. The next day you passed by me while I was waiting for my friend and I couldn't say anything to you, I couldn't even look at you. When I drove home that day, I cried and tried to not let my tears block me from seeing the road. But after that we kept talking. Everyday, it was nonstop, there was not one day that we didn't talk about fun stuff. I held onto that, thinking that someday, you would realize that I loved you and that you would love me. Even though I still saw you at parties and still talked to you in our group of friends, even though I saw you talk and hug other girls and knew you were interested in other people, I held onto the thought that maybe you would come back to me, that you would finally love me back. A year and three months. I held onto that hope for a year and three months.
I tried to convince myself multiples times after that that I could be just friends with you. There was no romantic intentions anymore and I was fine just being your friend and supporting you and your hobbies. Talking with you was just something we did because we were friends, not because I was romantically interested in you anymore. I talked to different guys who were interested in me, all while still talking to you everyday, nonstop. Every time I thought I was over you, you would say something nice that would pull me back in, igniting that fire that I was still attracted to, despite me trying to put it out. My head and my thoughts kept going back to you. Everything was about you. Colors reminded me of you, food reminded me of you, words reminded me of you. I was so in love with the idea of being with you.
Before we graduated, I wrote you a letter. I thanked you for being there for me and for talking to me everyday. I said I was being friendly, because you were a special person to me and I didn't want you to forget me because we were such good friends. I handed it to you and smiled and I left you alone at that table. That day I felt so accomplished, as if that was that and I had completely cut my feelings for you with that little pink letter. I was wrong. Because on graduation day, I went up to the stadium and grabbed my diploma, and when I walked back down, I looked over at you who was clapping for me, in a sea of other bodies who were sitting still. My heart to this day still flutters thinking of it. When the ceremony was done we walked out of the stadium together, talking.
"You were crying, weren't you?"
He was always teasing me a lot since I first met him. He always had funny jokes.
"No way, you were the one crying."
I left our graduation crying in the car on the way home. I was proud of myself. I was proud of you.
Over time the connection faded. I went to university and became busier. You were working a lot and working on your hobbies. I could only message you every two hours. Every four hours. Every eight hours. But the conversation carried on, random thoughts and jokes and banter still continuing, like it wasn't aware that it was dying out and becoming tedious. Another guy became interested in me. I turned him down. Another guy tried to catch my attention. I turned him down. I still held onto that hope, that you would come back to me. That you would tell me that you actually liked me back.
In November 2019, I met someone. I made a dating profile on this one app as a joke. My friend and I wanted to see if guys actually thought we were attractive. We were drunk after a night out, and it was all for fun. I felt like I was seriously starting to forget about you.
He made me forget about you. I met him around my birthday and we started talking then. I wanted to meet him and we went out a couple days after that. I wanted to meet him again after that. And again. And again. By around the third date. I stopped responding to your messages. I'm sorry I couldn't wish you a Merry Christmas. I'm sorry I left you on read. But he asked me to seriously date him two days after Christmas. I'll never forget December 27th. I met his friends and he introduced me as his girl. I went home with him at four in the morning after a night of going all over the town. I spent the night at his house. My head and my thoughts only thought of him. His hands were so warm, they never let me go. He took up my mind. He took up my heart. He took up the places that you used to be, the places that I used to store you.
I'll be with him for six month at the end of June. I love him so much. You never did anything bad to me, you were only ever nice to me, but I think he saved me from you. I was stuck in this dead-end rut of feelings something for you that wasn't even based in reality. He took me away from that. He loves me. He wants me to be with him all the time. He wants to show me off to his family and friends. It's all real, not imagined scenarios I think of at night in the shower or before I fall asleep.
Those were things I wanted from you. Those were feelings I had for you.
I won't ever deny my feelings I had for you. In that time that we talked and hung out, I was happy. You made me happy. You made me a better person. Those feelings I experienced because of you made me grow.
Wherever you are, I hope you're doing well. Whoever you're with, I hope they treat you well. Whatever you're doing, I hope you're successful.
These days I still think about you. When I see that you've watched my social media stories, I think of you. When I hear our friends bring up your name, I think of you. But then I'm lead down that rabbit hole and suddenly it fills up with water and I feel like I'm drowning. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I don't want to remember those feelings anymore.
I loved you. I thought you would have a hold on me forever. I thought I'd love you forever, but I love someone else now. He takes up my heart, and I don't want him to doubt my feelings for him because of my past feelings for you.
So I'm leaving this here. The love I had for you is all here. It's not in my heart anymore. You're not in my heart anymore.
So to the boy I thought I would love forever, I'm finally free from you, and it feels great. I just hope you're feeling the same way, that you weren't or aren't hung up on this still like me. I hope you're doing well.
Thank you for those feelings. Thank you for everything. For now, I'll say goodbye.