Dear... Cloud
Why was I ashamed of my brother as a young kid? My dad used to discipline us with the belt and by other physical means. My brother would get it the worst out of us three kids and my sister got more emotional abuse than anything else. Why did I enjoy watching my brother get physically abused by my dad? I always felt like it was better him than me getting beat. And I would rat him out most of the time when I found out about his wrongdoings. I couldn't wait to tell my father about his mistakes because afterward I would feel a sense of praise for letting my dad know and because it gave me a chance to get even for all of the stupid shit my brother would do to me. I behaved this way until their deaths. They're both gone, and now it's all petty bullshit. None of it was worth the energy put into it. What good did all of the spite and revenge do? It just reinforced the huge barriers that were already built between us. Petty bullshit for nothing other than my own ego stroking. What good is an ego when it has no one around to see it?