Dear... The Mom I Never Knew
Mom,
So many things I’ve always wanted to say to you. So many questions I’ve wanted to ask you…
Why did you leave me? Why was it so easy for you to move on with your life without me? Why did you keep Samantha over me? Why did you love her more than me? Was I not worthy of your love? When I visited you, why did you leave me with strangers and not come back?
Why did you leave Samantha and me home alone and we had to sleep at the funeral home with that nice old man who fed us peppermints because earl wouldn’t leave us alone. Why did you forget my birthday every single year? Why did you tell your boyfriend I was killed in a car accident? Were you that ashamed of me? Why did you let earl abuse me? Was I not worthy of protection? Maybe you thought I didn’t remember, after all I was so small.
Why and how could you are my most frequent conversations I have with you in my head... and even still, I’m just a small girl wanting to be loved by her mother. A mother she never had... my one wish, dream, was to become the mother I never had. And I don’t get to have that either... I’m so angry at you for abandoning me. For turning your back on your own daughter, your own flesh and blood. I’m so angry at God for taking away my chance to become the mother I never had. I’ve hated you both... I don’t understand it and I never will…
But even still... with all the hurt and with all the anger. I still trust God and I still love God. I am so grateful that he put me in Mamaw and Papaws arms to raise me and give me the love and joy you couldn’t. I am so grateful that he made me wise enough to not follow into your alcoholic footsteps. I am so grateful that he has allowed me to become a step mother and in some small way, a mother that I never had.
And I still love you... the mom I always wished would reach out and say how sorry she was. And how proud she was to have a daughter like me. To show up and be there and support me. To give me knowledge and advice in life as I struggle through relationship and major life choices.
My heart broke when you passed away... I mourned a stranger I had always hoped someday I would get to know. I mourned a mom I would have no happy memories of... none. Your soft hands is the only thing positive I have of you. Your hands were always so so soft.
When I hugged you, you always smelled of beer.
I’m so mad you were that sick and didn’t even think to write me a letter, even a small one to say you loved me. Again, you didn’t think of me at all...
I just don’t understand and I get so mad at you. And then I end up feeling guilty for being mad at you when you’re the one that was supposed to love me and be there for me. The only thing I can thank you for is letting mamaw have me instead of your crazy family. I have so much to say to you... but I’d still hug and kiss you and love you in a minute...
I hope now that you’re in heaven you can look down on me and see the hurt you’ve put in my heart… but even more than that, that you can see the love and the guidance and the unfailing support I’ve had with mamaw, Papaw, dad and Auntie N. You honestly left me with the best possible people to give me what I needed in life that for some reason you couldn’t. So I’ll be angry and hopefully someday get to talk it out with both you and God... and then have the hug I’ve dreamed about my entire life.
Until then, I hope you rest easy or do what ever it is you do there. And even though you don’t deserve it, I still love you. I still miss you. I still mourn you. I still think of you every single day.
Love always,