Dear... Someone Who Wants To Become Invested In My Story
Hi. you can call me Jo. That’s not my real name. Nothing like it actually.
If you’re reading this, then I want you to know that I’ll always love him, but I don’t like him. I actually kinda never did.
Everything I felt for him was a mix between a twisted need for male validation and the fact he probably likes me back. For those of you saying “Hey… just ask him/tell him that you like him…”
To that I say you know what, it’s complicated. For reference, I’m a junior in high school. I’ve liked him since 7th grade. It’s been 3 and a half years. And I don’t want to date. And he’s not allowed to.
Okay but throughout k-8, the boys and girls of my school were somewhat segregated. We weren’t always separated, but talking to someone of the opposite gender was slightly frowned upon. You could do it, but everyone would probably ship you and/or tease you. So not having any guy friends until freshmen year was a little jarring. It’s like the hormone that gets released when you talk to a guy was 10x stronger because I wasn’t used to it. Any validation whatsoever kinda makes me think that whoever I’m talking to (the guy) likes me. You can see the problem with that. Especially because the only guy who talked to me was… him. I’ll call him Nick for this letter. Also, I grew up with not really anything for a father-figure. Until this year, my father figure was nonexistent. He was around, just didn’t act like a father. So that’s helpful isn’t it. (That was a joke.. I hope you got it.)
So Nick would talk to me sometimes. I would go to his sister’s soccer games. His sister is my best friend. (Don’t worry, I got her permission she was cool with it.) Oh. I forgot. Nick’s six months younger than me and a grade below me. Anyway, i would go to her (Gia’s) games and we would talk. It was really fun. Looking back, I’m still confused because he’s flirty.
Basically I decided about a week ago that I don’t like him anymore. It’s a choice because I don’t want to be tied down to someone who might not feel the same. It was a mix of the realization of the need for male validation and the fact he’s really two-sided. He is the kindest and most caring teenage boy I know. He’s super sweet to his family and his sisters and he’s got all the green flags in that regard. The downside is that he acts different at school and ignores me and Gia and just acts all tough and whatnot. I guess that’s normal, except for the fact it’s not, and I know because he’s talked to his brother about it. He’s really flirty with me and some other girls though, which makes me think he likes me. He’s comfortable around me though. I know that.
So it’s really weird not having a crush on anyone. Freeing. It’s nice to see him. It hurts a little bit, because if he likes me I don’t want to hurt him. He’s so different from who he was in middle school. Not good or bad. He kinda did a lateral move as opposed to up or down. He’s hella fine though. Really attractive. Honestly I kinda hope he sees this letter, because I’m a coward and according to his sister, he hates confrontation. I beg to disagree. She claims no one can read you, but I can a little bit.
So to you, Nick, if you read this. I used slightly related names. Nick is… you know who he is. Gia is short for… well…. What happened to your sister in 5th grade that she regrets. Jo is short for names we called each other in 7th grade. That was funny. I wonder if you remember that.
I still think your smile is contagious, and your laugh is really loud and funny. I know you have a good resting face, and I don’t know if I’m getting better at reading, or you’re not hiding it as much. Either way, it’s exciting knowing what you’re thinking.
To the rest of you, I think my name will be recurring on this website, if the owner deems my letters worthy enough. This is letter #1. If I write more I’ll put the other letters in there for reference. I’m not sure if you will follow my story. if you do, then hi, it’s nice to see you have an interest in my tumultuous life. I expect this school year to be very hectic with a lot of developments happening. Another reason for you to follow along, Gia and this guy have been talking… and I have a theory that they’re going to become best friends. It will be sad if she ditches me, but as long as she’s happy I’ll survive. My history with ships has been 2 for 2. I’m hoping I can have a streak of 3 for this one :)
Anyway, that’s my rambling for this afternoon. This afternoon being a sunny September 13th, ‘22, of course.