Dear... Someone
I'm writing this in the middle of the night. I'm a guy turning 20 the upcoming April... I never tried anonymous mail before, but now I want someone to listen to me a for a goddamn minute...
Even in school I was a shy kid, I never had any real friends until I reached the end of high school... So, I really don't know who to trust. I was sexually abused when I was 10 years old. I wanted to tell my parents, but I was afraid. But when I mustered up the courage and told them, they blamed me... That's when I lost the trust I had on them. By this time I started high school, I am a fat kid, so I've seen bullies, but in high school I was the bully which I know is totally wrong. But I did it anyway, because I was insecure.
In the middle of high school, my mom found out that my dad had an affair, and they started to fight all the time, and I was there sitting in the dark, hoping someone will make this stop, but no one ever did. Later, they included us (we are 3 boys) and my dad lied to my face, that he didn't have an affair, which I believed for some reason. The next week my dad disappeared for a month and we found him with his affair, living in a house near my school.
When he came home those were the most unpleasant nights of my life. But, somehow they got together again... and my dad said he was sorry (not to me, I don't matter to them). But by the time they figured it out, my first brother who is a year younger than me, started doing drugs... And we started fighting all the time. Not little boys fight, we fought till we bled or someone was unconscious.
And my dad is a deadbeat one. He never went any place with me, he never visited me in school, other than the one time where he said "I'm disappointed in you" in front of my whole class. My mother tries to be there, but she never understands me or anything... She started to blame me for everything. When she found out my brother was doing drugs she blamed it on me. I still don't know why.
Next my little brother joins the list... drugs, bunking school, fighting me. I don't do drugs, although I'm always the one to blame... I remember my dad bringing his buddies to drink and made my little brother make something for them to eat and then sending him to buy cigarettes, and I'm the one to blame...
When I was 15, my mother had a accident, she was in the ICU. Only I stayed there that night, she was bleeding and all I could do was hold my tears and stand. The next day my father came in, with his affair, and my mother was sent home. I had attended my board exams that day, and I came home to find that my mother was left without food all day and my father and the woman cooked and ate something in the next room. I got my mother some food, and when my uncles came my father started acting innocent. He cried in front of us, which is fake as f**k, just to escape jail.
And then it all went away for 4 years, the fighting, my father cheating, mother shouting, me crying in bed, brothers doing drugs and fighting me, where my parents supported them… and me depressed. I've dropped out of college cause I've got no money.
I have so much to say, but I can't straighten it out in one letter. I can't sleep anymore, I don't have friends, I'm searching for a job, which is getting harder everyday, and after all that I'm waiting for death.... I'm too much of a coward for suicide.
Maybe it is me. I'm trying to smile everyday, but it seems like I've forgotten how to smile. And I'm just waiting here, so that someday it'll happen on it's own, so I won't feel pain, and so people won't say I'm a coward. If you are reading this I just wanted to say, among all this, I'm still trying to smile and I'm the funny kid now.