Dear... The Boy You Used To Know
I realize when our last moment was. It was back in January. January 20th. It was midnight on that Sunday.
That was our last FaceTime call, the last time we talked like we used to. The last time we had a full, long, and real conversation. I didn't know it back then, all those months ago, but that was it. that three day weekend was your way of saying goodbye to everything, to whatever we were. Your way of giving me some type of closure, even though it only left me more hurt than before.
And now I find out you had known. You had seen one of the paragraphs I had written from somebody I trusted. The paragraph where I let my feelings out. I don't know what to think or feel about it.
But that day was the last time. And i think you knew it too.
Everything was the same. The way we had talked, so freely. But then it ended: the FaceTimes, the texts. It was 2am you told me you were trying to sleep. And that was it.
Yes, you and I talked the next day, but it wasn't the same. And the next few weeks were so hard; walking past you every day, seeing you on the bus, at your games, everything.
The way we would both look, look away, and look back again and make eye contact for several seconds. How we would talk on the bus, and back then when we made eye contact back in January the memories would replay in my head, and my heart felt like it was on fire and torn into pieces all over again, and my eyes felt like they were burning from the tears. But eventually it stopped, and became an everyday thing. I knew nothing would ever be the same between us. I accepted that.
And I moved on.
But then you and that girl broke up, because you said you "lost feelings." And you started talking to me more and more and I caught feelings for you again.
And what nobody will ever understand is that for so long, you were mostly all I thought about for months and took up so much space in my heart, and not only did I like you, but I truly did love you. And when you love someone completely, for so long, they become a part of you. And without that part of you, you feel incomplete. That's how I feel, at least.
I don't know how to explain any of this. I don't like you anymore, but a part of me still loves you. And I want to move on, I know I need to.
I found out a few days ago that you used to like me back. Back in January I guess. People were saying that you told them, and that it was obvious. I guess i'm just clueless…
But... why didn't you tell me?
Whatever. It's not my fault. And i don't know if you ever liked me how I liked you. But in any way, I think you let me go a long time ago. I think maybe you thought about how we would've turned out. Maybe you thought it wouldn't have turned out good…
And maybe you still wanted me in your life. Even if it meant hurting me, and having to let me go. And I think that weekend was your closure too.
I know I need to let you go… just how you let me go.
First, by letting myself go, and then letting you go.