Dear... Boss
I believe that love letters are pretty much dead now a days. They feel like such antiquated things. But I'm a whole lot better on paper than in person. I'm better with the written word than with the spoken one. But, just don't think of this as a confession but a communication. The chances we’ll talk in person are less than 50%. This letter will not be eloquent, however it will be sincere.
I don't know if what I am doing is right. I don't know what will happen after this. I just don't know. This could be the craziest thing I ever do in my life. It took me a lot of courage to do this. I am torn between telling you how I really feel and bottling it up for good. I have been weighing it on my mind a thousand times. Part of me hesitates to reach out and tell you what I've been thinking about you. But part of me wants nothing more than to write you a letter telling you everything I've been feeling and lay it all out on the table.
I feel like tearing this letter though because myself keeps on criticizing me. I'm also afraid of what other people might say about me, what you might say about me and this might make both of us feel uncomfortable. But I don't want to listen to it. I don't want to listen to what other people might say. I don't want to listen to whatever my cranky brain is telling me. I also just want to clear the jokes or the vagueness in our conversations on messenger. Anyway, there's no way right way, anyway. There's only the way that works for me. But you know what really triggered me to write you a letter? Because of your previous message that, as of the moment, you don't want to be in a relationship because you're still looking for stability in life. My feeling is that was an indication of me being rejected. That you're just afraid to tell me directly that you don't feel the same way. Thus, I am writing to you to ease your burden.
Okay! This is tough. But here I go...
I woke up at 3am the other morning and you were the first thought that encapsulated my mind. I don't know what's the matter with me. I could just ignore it and act like normal as before. But it keeps on bothering my day's schedule and thus I decided to reevaluate my feelings. I decided to break the silence and spill all the words I never wanted to say.
I was really shocked the moment you asked me if I have special feelings for you. I was dumbfounded and did not know what to answer. Where on earth did you find the idea though? I didn't even know about it nor did it come to my mind. Of course, I fumbled for the right words to say, thus, I denied it.
It never entered my mind that one day I would be confused about how I feel for you. I did tell you that what I felt towards you was just as a friend. That I will never fall in love in you. True! Because that was what I thought too... But what if I just fell asleep without knowing it? I know it's too soon to feel this way. I also asked myself how could I be so certain? But I knew that there's something new and different in the way I feel with you. Now I just realized why every time you are out doing activities at LYA and on other occasions, I silently wish you were with us. So part of me was wishing you were here to find a job that you would never want to stay in Cebu again. But believe me, I didn't realize all of these until they all started teasing us. Until that night. And after that night everything has changed. What I see of you is a man more than a friend. Right then I knew I would be in big trouble. Every time we are together we don't talk, or talk part of me is hurting. Every time you avoid me and I avoid you, I feel so stupid. I'm not used to it. I'm starting to feel jealousy. You keep on asking me what you have that made me fall for you. I don't know either. But as I look back on our acquaintance and friendship, I like these seven things about you:
1. You are a good listener. You are mindful of what I say and you respond with authenticity and empathy. It feels so easy to talk with you. Even the first time we had a conversation I felt so comfortable. You don't judge nor criticize me. Whether I'm happy, upset, angry. Although, sometimes I'm OA. You listened to all my complaints without criticizing me. You listened without judgment. Understood me without pretension. You just listened and I really appreciate that.
2. You're open-minded and a mature thinker. So I felt at ease reaching out to you about this. You also said, "It's normal to fall in love". (You still give me encouragement.)
3. You're faithful. Actually you are not simply a faithful man who loves a girl astonishingly well, but you are so extraordinarily faithful, so unlike other men; faithless creatures. I have seen your heartaches but you remain loyal and faithful. (I hope you move on to your heartbreaks.)
4. You're thoughtful and caring. You're responsive to my every call, text or messenger messages. Even in the comment section of FB the height of our conversation. You don't feel like I'm being unreasonable or childish. You are not ashamed of me. Thank you for making such sweet gestures.
5. You're respectful. You treat me with the utmost respect. You don't talk trash to me nor use filthy words around me. You don't put me down in any way, but encourage me instead. Not only to my family but also to your friends. You're a gentleman; subtle and polite.
6. You're true and genuine. You're not pretentious. You say what you think is right and express your opinions. You are what you really are, whatever the heck that looks like. (We're debating, right?)
7. You're an optimistic person. You're the opposite of me. You add positivity in my surroundings. You try to find the good and view things positively. Unlike the weak and pessimistic me. Yes. I realized now that over the time my feelings for you have been awakened. I did hesitate to admit it, not because of my fear of being rejected, but because I valued our friendship so much. This is the reason why I have not been fazed by other men since we've been friends, because I have been searching in them for the things that I have only found in you. You also asked me if is it okay for me to see you with another girl. I lied. But I have the right to prevent you from loving another woman. You also don't have to reciprocate how I feel because it maybe not be me who you are thinking of right now. It is probably another girl, with a beautiful face and perfect smile, who makes you happier than I do.
Please don't burden yourself because of my unrequited feelings. There are lots of factors out there and I should have just remained silent. But there's no point in denying it, and I also want to clear out some misunderstandings.
Anyway, didn't I tell you that this isn't a confession but a heart-to-communication? My god, boss. What am I really doing? Is this really me? I just want to write my thoughts down and I hope you'll find my sincerity through this letter. Thank you for your respect and your unending understanding. No worries, I can move on.