Dear... My LU Guy
You
Don’t
Know
You don’t know how I felt when I saw you there. I told myself I wouldn’t hope. There was no way I would see you after the failed attempts that week, but at that moment, seeing you sleeping with your head turned to the side and your earphones on, I felt my heart stop.
I couldn’t help pulling Moe’s bag because this didn’t feel real. This couldn’t be real. I had suffered too much that week and it was like you were my light at the end of the tunnel. Cold clammy hands, fast beating heart, I told them I would puke if ever I saw you. Fast forward and here I am. I can’t stop staring at you and can’t stop thinking of conversing with you. I wanted to know you and your thoughts and your life. I nudged your foot like a little kid and at first, you didn’t mind it. I thought “how could this person think that someone could nudge him accidentally from across the aisle?” I nudged you again and when you saw me, you started. I said hi you said hi and you told me you were wondering if you knew “this girl” and that you missed LU. I missed you too. I cooked up the courage I had from not seeing you for so long and asked, “Do you mind if I sit there?” You said no and took your things away so I could switch seats. How I hoped that we could have done this when we went to LU. How I hope that you never talked to us back then and came into my life.
This is not a love story but a brief interlude in my otherwise dull life.
Sitting beside you was surreal. Looking at you was surreal. The more I got to know you, the more I put you on a pedestal for me to admire but never touch. You’re intelligent, cool, talented, friendly. You crave adventure and hate the smoke and pollution of Manila. You dive and hike, you read and take photos. I didn’t know someone could be this amazing. I didn’t know that guys like you still existed. I know we move in different circles but you were a gem in my otherwise bleak life.
You don’t know how much I’ve imagined this moment happening and you didn’t hear my heartbeat pounding or feel my freezing hands. When we went down and you told me you were buying something too, you don’t know how I felt at that time. I don’t even know how I felt at that time. I just knew that I can treasure this little moment with you and that whatever happened, I could be content that I shared this with you.
You told me that me smoking was cool. I thought that you who stopped smoking was cool. The hurried bye we had was like the first time. I didn’t want to say goodbye to you. I never want to say goodbye to you. But now I’m saying goodbye to you because I know it will never happen and that night was just a brief glimpse to what I have always wanted.
I wish I was like you. I wish I could capture moments and freeze them in time. I can only capture this moment in my head and my words. As I write this, I erase them in my heart and I am left with my pride. I remember seeing you at the beach, with the sound of the waves rushing in and the light of the sun beating down, you were there taking pictures and smiling and I knew that this was a fairytale that I wanted to happen. Every moment I had with you was a fairytale.
You don’t know this and you will never know this, but I accept that that night in the bus was magical for me and you, at this moment, are magical for me.