Dear... My First And Final
I lay awake tonight, avoiding all the things I should be doing
Thinking of you
Thinking of the good ol’ times but we both know it wasn’t always good
You vanished
Sometimes I desperately search for you
But no trace
All I found is a picture, which I saved
You’re still beautiful
I think about reuniting sometimes, and what that would be like...so many years later
I’d imagine we’d have lunch
We’d meet up in a neutral place
Neutral as in the city we met (so I’d have to travel, but that’s okay)
I’d imagine looking at you across the table
I’d be enamored, and breath-taken
I’d be in shock and fear
Fear you would tell me something that would forever-alter the fantasy I so-many-times pictured
You’d tell me you were married
I would hold back tears
But there’s a possibility I would not be able to hold back
I don’t want to reach out, for the fear of my fantasy being shattered
I don’t want to reach out for a fear you will tell me you have settled with someone, and my latent dream will suddenly dissipate
I don’t want it confirmed that it’s too late
I would rather live in the fantasy that you’re out there somewhere, waiting and wondering
And thinking of me, the way I think of you
I never had another love like you
I never had a greater regret in my entire life, a regret of what a selfish idiot I was
I didn’t know myself
I still don’t know myself
But I know myself a little bit better, today, than I did before
Sometimes I think about texting you at a number I found through a search engine
I imagined all the ways it would play out
I wouldn’t tell you who I was right away
I would make you guess, by revealing little bits of information I know about you, the kind that only someone who really knows you well, would know
I would tell you things like...you used to smoke a lot of pot, around the time we first met/knew each other
One time we got high outside of a church
Somehow it made us feel “bad” because we were smoking weed on religious grounds
You told me one day I replaced your addiction to weed
You were addicted to loving me instead
I would tell you you are lactose intolerant, but one time, you ate ice cream just for me
I would tell you things like you had a lot of demons, back then, demons you struggled with
I would tell you you were bright, very bright, but you never felt like your academic gpa was good enough
You were ashamed
You bragged to me about being accepted into Mensa
I was slightly annoyed by this
I guess today they call it a “humble brag”
You stayed in my apartment once for a few days
You left me a really sweet note thanking me for trusting you
We had a lot of sex. You were the first girl and last girl I was ever intimate with. You took my girlginity, and you were proud of it. I was proud too.
Your upbringing led you to want to keep us a secret until you graduated from medical school
But I ended the relationship long before that, in the worst possible way, and I will never forget that day, or the last time I saw your face
I yelled out to you
You didn’t turn around
I had just broken your heart, for the second time
On a very special day
Your birthday
What a crime it was
And then you vanished
But I never forgot
Girl, I have never been able to love another woman since
I have never opened myself up to that possibility
Because nothing, and no one, could ever compare to the love and devotion I had for someone like you
And nothing could ever compare to the pain I felt when I realized just what I had done
And nothing could ever compare to the love we made
And the love that was lost
I miss you
Late nights when I am alone, I think of you
I think of what you might be doing
Who you might be with
I wonder if you’re happy
If you have a child
I wonder if you think about me, and if it’s positive or not
I wonder how you categorize what we shared
I wonder why there is no trace of you anywhere
I hope I can see you when I’m older
I hope one day I can have the courage to seek you out to meet for that lunch, even if it means destroying the fantasy I have in my head
But I’m not ready for it to be destroyed yet, my love
I’m not ready to hear you say you’re happy with someone else
I’m not ready to hear you say you had a baby
I’m not ready to hear you renounce your sexuality, in order to conform to your family’s expectations
I’m not ready to hear you say “it was just a phase, but it was fun” or perhaps it was shitty
I’m not ready to face the reality yet
But I hope that one day I am
And until then, I will hold on to the small glimmer of hope, that our reunion leads to something else
I will hold onto the hope that keeps me believing in love, and destiny, and fate
I will hold onto that hope because it keeps my soul alive
I will hold on just for the sake of having hope, because as long as I have hope, there is a dream to relish in
And I am still a dreamer
I will always be a dreamer
You were and still are the woman of my dreams
There is not a soul out there that can replace you in my heart, or my mind
The image I have of you will never be tainted
It’s been almost ten years now
And I still love you
If by chance, you read this letter
Know that I love you from the depths of my soul
I love you in a way that surpasses all reason and logic
I love you in a way that may never die, and that’s okay
I love you even if you love someone else
And the day that I get to look into your eyes, if it ever happens, you will know it
Please trust me, you will know it