Dear... First Love
I should have told you how I felt. You were my first big crush, I was in love with you throughout high school. My biggest regret from those days is that I bought into the idea that "the girl should not be the one to show her feelings first, it's up to the guy to ask her out". Whether you felt the same way or not, whatever would have resulted from my confession... at least I would know. I would have answers to those what-if questions.
Today, I'm happily married, and I love my husband and daughter very much. But whenever I least expect it, I have dreams about high school. And you're there, being your charming, quirky self, and telling me you had a crush on me, too.
Please, please stop appearing in my dreams! Stop bringing the past regrets back. I was so awkward, so shy, so tongue-tied around you all the time. I cringe when I remember that.
You had this one girlfriend for pretty much the whole time I knew you. But, before you met her, you flirted with me. I had my hopes up. If only I had said something back then. I'm not a relationship-wrecker. I kept my feelings secret, I tried not to resent her (only met her once, I heard she was nice and all...)
I tried to move on. I tried dating. I even convinced myself I was in love with those guys for a while. And yet, you would talk to me, and I would get butterflies in my stomach. The surroundings would fade, as if it were just the two of us. One time, you gently touched my hand (Why? Why did you do that…?) and it was almost electrifying. I remember that moment after all these years.
Then you and your girlfriend broke up, and my secret hope was rekindled. But you moved far away to go to college, quickly met another girl, and got into another serious relationship. At this point, any friendship we may have had faded away. I moved on for real this time. The regret of keeping a secret for so long, however, remained deep in my mind, and shows through in my dreams every once in a while.
I needed to write this letter to you. I hope that now you will leave my dreams. I have a new future to look forward to. I want to teach my daughter to have self-confidence, and to be honest about her feelings when she grows up and falls in love with someone. So that she doesn't have the same regrets I've had.