Dear... You Who Had To Find This Website Just To Let Things Out
I have issues. As hard, and a little bit shameful, as it is to admit it, I have major issues.
So does everyone else, but that doesn't make mine any less hard to deal with and any less important.
I have issues because people around me don't have the patience to stick by my side when things get tough.
I have issues because the world forced me to bottle up everything until it was too much to hold but I still hold it in as hard as I can.
I have issues because the only time I get to cry real tears is when it’s dark at 3am when I'm trying to sleep from a busy day.
I have issues because my parents forced me to raise myself because they were too busy trying to grow up.
I have issues because I can't give anything less than the best, but I always settle for less.
I have issues because in this day and age where teenagers are broadcasting to everyone that they have therapists, I can’t even think of going to a therapists because I still can't admit to the world that I have issues, and also that not all of us have room in our budget to pay someone to listen to our problems.
I have issues because I had to find this website just so I can let everything I've been bottling up.
I know there's no such thing as a perfect life and it's not a perfect world, I'm sure everyone has their own problems. But I'm hurt, my heart hurts so much, my soul is so tired its hiding somewhere deep inside me, too deep to even find.
My body sometimes doesn't feel like its mine, as if I'm watching someone else move my hands and walk with my feet. My head is so lost and confused, I don't need drugs or alcohol to get me high as the sky. Despite all of this, despite everything that I complain about, I can't seem to bring myself to take me out of this toxic world I'm living. I can't seem to save myself, as I continue to drown and call for help, I hear it but I still choose to just watch it slowly sink and wonder what it's like to be completely submerged underneath it all.
I'm not suicidal because I have way too many dreams that need to be fulfilled and I'm way too scared to even think of dying. I'm not suicidal, but I am exhausted, lonely, and broken. My mild depression (I call it mild so that I don't overthink it and I have seen people who have it worse than me) may be my inner self trying to tell me to stop taking it all in and keeping it bottled up, stop settling, stop disregarding my needs and putting others before me.
I wish I could.
I know this is very cowardly thinking, but standing up for myself is the hardest thing to do in life. It's so hard to fight back when you're so used to just settling with whatever life gives you. It's so hard to say no when all you've ever known how to say is yes. It's so hard to disagree when all you've ever done is swallow your words and nod in agreement to everything. It's hard to have a voice when you've been silent your whole life.
It's the same thing as being scared to go into a dark and unfamiliar room because you don't know what is in there. Life is not easy, that's a known fact, accept it or not. But if you're living a toxic life surrounded by toxic people, I'm begging you, please save yourself from yourself and take yourself out of that equation. I might not be able to do it now, but slowly, I will try because trying can't possibly make your bad situation any worse than it already is.
I'm begging you, please save yourself. Live for you, instead of them. Live your life the way you think is the best for you because 10 years from now, you'll be the one suffering the pain, cherishing the memories, and celebrating the happiness you bring to your life, not them. NOT THEM. ONLY YOU.