Dear... C
C,
Your ocean eyes compel me. Your touch makes me feel loved. Your words make me laugh and I really love your hugs. I hope you had a great birthday. I don’t know exactly how I feel about you but I know I love being around you and feeling your touches.
The way you rub you thumb on my arm soothing me. It made me melt. I can’t stop the urge to kiss you. I love playing with your hair knowing that you love it. Thank you for being so sweet, kind and funny. I don’t like you for the amount of money you have, I know you don’t have a lot, but that makes me really like you more because you cherish what you do have.
I finally got to see you today. I wanted to just stand there and hug you. Your arms were so warm and soothing I love hugging you and putting my head on your shoulder. The way you tighten your arms around me making me feel protected.
I want us to have more time alone. I hate the looks and stares of everyone on us when I show you my affection. I feel like they are a barrier preventing us from touching one another. I’m not ashamed to be around you, never think that, why I love every part of you.
Can I even call this love? What does real love feel like? Can I find it in you? I don’t want a relationship because I don’t know how to manage one but just having you around to hold me is enough. As the urge to kiss you increases the more I find my heart beating faster around you.
Why are you so distant? What the fuck? Do you not want to be around me anymore? I got so attached to you and now I don’t see you as much as I used to. Did I miss having you around and I can’t hug you anymore? I hugged you and when I was about to put my head on your shoulder.
Ok, do I district you from your work? I know we made a deal but I really love your company. I don’t talk much about my life to many people that’s why I don’t say much, so its not like I have no interest in the conversation I just prefer to listen than speak.
I don’t know why I even like you, I just love your attention and all the time when you have to leave and go over to the next room I feel sad that you would leave me. I guess I just want some one to attach myself to when I look at you and then think about how I feel about you I somehow look at us together from a third person point of view and wonder why would you want to be with me.
You must wonder the same about yourself but am I really what you want? Or are you just nice to everyone that way and I’m just being selfish?
This is why I want someone that is psycho - as in is obsessed with me - and is selfish with me and keeps me for themselves because I would do the same. I want you with me 24/7 the only time you are to leave my side is when you’re going to work to mind the both of us because you’re the best and most comfortable life for the both of you.
You’re not they type to stay one place for long. I don’t mind hugs and some person kissing me on the cheek in public but with you I want long affectionate hugs. But when we are home I want you to kiss me while your hands hold me …….I am just realising that when I think these things I don’t see myself with you but a black figure.
We barely know each other. I want to get to know you more. Give my a test, survey , questionnaire and I’ll answer every question. I can’t express myself In the right way I wish I had the ability to share and read thoughts. That way I. You know what I just want to share thoughts instead of reading them.
I love the affection and not you. And I’m denying it. Why? I know it’s true. All the guys I have been with our liked showed me some sort of affection and I ended up falling for them. Boyfriend feels so foreign to my mouth. Just the names are there.
But I still want you. Im scared because I don’t know what to do or say or act. The way I imagine myself in a relationship is the opposite of reality. I am to big got lifted up or sit or your lap. I would be the ugly one that’s good for nothing.
Im not afraid of tell you how I feel. I’m afraid of what will come after. Whether its a relationship, awkwardness, or painful rejection( I act this way around everyone sorry if I was playing with your feelings)
You called me the only light in your life and if I lost my memories of you, you would see no point in continuing life. You hold me so high in your life.
No wifi. Bad connection. Why did I even ask for your number? What did I think would become of this?
You’re just like L you don’t answer your phone, you don’t reply on time.
Daily hugs from you makes me happy and I could be pissed at the world and your diamond mind just brings the light back into my eyes. Every time I see you I want to fucking kiss you OMG. I want to hold you and never let you go.
OK….. I really wanted that to be an us thing. Why did you let go? Why did you hug her? I am such a jealous person. I want your hugs only and you should want the same. I would give up hugging other guys just for you. Every time I hug you it wasn’t long enough or it wasn’t tight enough or it wasn’t a good position. I just want to hold onto you. You make me want more.
I am starting to wonder……Do you even want me anymore? Did you ever even want me in the first place? I don’t see you in the mornings as much anymore I barely see you throughout the day.
What I want is alone time with you. I fantasise one morning you will come and that girl would leave us alone in the room. We would talk and laugh then you would say something sweet like you always do and then you would lean in and your forehead would be against mine from your standing position, with one hand on the desk and the other on my cheek. Then we would look at each others lips and you would say “When I say I love you….I mean it” and I would say “so do I” then we would look into each others eyes and you would tilt your head and lean your lips in and so would I. And our lips would meet and we would pull each other closer making me stand up and sit on the the desk top with you between my legs kissing me. You encouraged my lips to open and I have my first open mouth kiss or make out. I would be holding your waist and playing in your hair and your arms around me. We then pull away and I get embarrassed and turn my head and you bend to meet my gaze and you through your hands in the air and go “reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” then you peck my lips one more time and smile at me with that dumbass grin I love so much as I stare into though ocean blue eyes. Then we start awkwardly laughing which made us laugh even more. Then Aliyah Knox would come in not knowing anything about what happened. Then you would hug me bye and that you would see me later. And I was finally able to lay my head on your shoulder for a while then I kissed you on your neck and you smiled and went over to the other room.
I think I know what I am scared of or confused about. It’s the fact that you don’t know me. The real me. I know so little about you and you know nothing about me. The real me had serious depression, suicidal thoughts, cuts on her arm, anxiety, anti-social tendencies, panic attacks. The real me is 233-234 pounds. The real me is black skinned. The real me has short nappy hair. The real me isn’t cute. The real me isn’t sexy. The real me has a low self esteem. The real me docent love herself first. The real me is a freak.
You called me beautiful, you know I hate seeing you drink sodas in the morning, you love my reactions to the things you say. You say you love me. Would you still say that after finding out who I really am.
Questions to Answer:
1. Birthday: Nov 15, 2001
2. Favourite colour:
3. Interest: Anime, videogames
4. Occupation and School Life: Math Degree now switched to accounting, wish to be an Accountant
5. Pets: 2 Cats
6. Why do you want to die: Family issues
7. Music: Songs from animes
8. Foods: soda, junk
9. Close Friends: Kol, P, A, M & his girl
10. Additional Info:
* Your Family is struggling financially. You live with your moms friend. You dislike their son.
* You dislike your brother and he lives with your grandmother. You now live with her as well.
* Your mom seems funny and teen like yet serious too.
* You have a messed up family. You Hate everyone except your mother and 2 of your uncles. Everyones only shows up on birthdays and holidays to give you money and that’s it. Kol has been living with you for the last 2 years because he doesn’t receive any support from his family, and his sister is not on your good side. You dislike your grandmother because she treats Kol bad and according to you she’s mean.
* Your father isn’t around he has a new family.
* Your father is becoming or active in your life and you like that.
I had a dream with you it wasn’t what I’ve been wanting. I was with you, me, Tree, and some guy. Tree tried to get you to ask me out and told you I like you. Some guy liked you too. And you asked what does the third slide on your powerpoint say. I knew and didn’t know what it was. But I felt the fact you were not ready for a relationship and you just want to focus on getting your life right? Thats what I felt it said.
I guess this is a sign that I need to give you your space and not pressure you into anything.
I think it’s time I gave up on you. You tell me these things about what you did in high school and what you made them do to you. Then you still touch that woman and think about that girls thighs. If you don’t want me then say so don’t tell me these things to get rid of me. I became too attached to you didn’t I. Yet you still call me your morning happiness and you only come over there to talk to me and I’m your personal counsellor. What kind of shit is that.
That fucking hurts it makes my stomach turn I want to throw up. I want a release. I forgot to say apart of my dream I had a much uglier face in the dream. That face was what I see myself as. I feel like going home. I feel sick. I want silence. I want darkness. I feel hurt.
I want you to do those things with me. I want you to touch me the way you did them. Why tell me this? Is it because you’re comfortable or it because you want to turn me off. I did ask to know. So I basically fooled myself. I love you. I want, you make laugh so easily and I ….
It is official. I know you don’t like me it hurts I want to cry but she’s in the room. I guess you really do need to figure yourself out first.
I can’t stand you anymore I wanna be pissed at you but I have no reason to be. I feel awkward around you we can’t even have a proper conversation. I barely know P and Im more comfortable around him than I am around you. Do you get jealous when J hugs me. Does it burn your inside to know I am hugging another man. I don’t know why this goal finds it funny to be intimidating my man. Do you want her instead? Did you find someone else ? Idek what I want anymore.
Its a one way conversation with you I don’t mind you doing the talking, but when I talk listen to me.
I am sorry you had it rough. But you need to fucking wake up. These depressing jokes you make aren’t gonna get you a better life. If you do it cause you wanna make people laugh you’re only fooling yourself. If you’re waiting for life to get better you’re gonna be waiting for the rest of your life. Your life depends on your own choices. So don’t give your demons all the credit for this shit. You need to rethink your priorities and set goals for yourself. Stop wasting time and start making changes.
I know what it’s like to want to end it all. To die and end the pain no, the emptiness inside. I’m not innocent no one is. And I want you to stop seeing me that way. The only reason I haven’t ended my life already is because I’m too much of a coward to let death win. And because of that I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life depressed, complaining and sulking. If I’m gonna be living this life imma make it count.
I had feelings for you. I really liked you and I thought that since we were both so depressed maybe we are what we need to climb out of the shit hole. Then it finally hit me what sense does it make ? I want out and you say you want out but all you do is complain, make excuses and jokes about it. I don’t know your entire story and I don’t need to. You need to ask yourself how do I deserve to live? And what have I done to deserve it? I know I deserve to be happy and loved because of all the shit I went through and through it all I am still living and breathing to this day. I am still brightening peoples day giving them a push away from darkness and into light.
I don’t know if any of your friends have spoken to you about this but based on the way they speak and treat you Im gonna guess they haven’t. Thats my opinion. I am here for you and you know I will listen. But that is all I can do, listen. Everything else depends on you, change depends on you.
LISTEN TO MEEEEE SIR!!!! STOP. stop telling me you love me because it makes me too happy!!!!! I want to do damn backflips every time you say it. I can’t be with you. And you can’t be with me. And it makes me wanna damn well cry just stop being so damn good and funny cause every time I’m around you I can’t control myself. I want to pounce on you knowing you, you might just say do it and I want to in bed …….stop my brain is drifting off to thought that need to burn AAHHHHHHHHH. I want to be with you. Without titles. But you deserve some one better than me. How much you wanna bet you’re gonna end up with some Asian girl. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh omg this is so frustrating.
And the next day I find out you have a girlfriend I’m happy for you but I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you how I feel. Love’s not enough for us. I was happy, shocked, mad now sad. I really need to get myself in check.
Ugh your hugs are so great I just want to melt in your arms when you hug me from behind I thought I was gonna dieeeeeee uggggghhhh I was so good fuck. YASSSSSSSS
I had a dream about you I was at my dads house and I was talking to some and they encouraged to tell you how I feel. Then you pulled up in a white car and I quickly went outside and caught you about sit down in the chairs on the porch I went up to you and held your head in my hands and I looked down at the top of your head and said “I love you C” and you knew that this I love you was more real, more sentimental, more meaningful than the others. You lift he up and my legs wrapped around.
You were so happy and filled with joy. And you said “I love you” “But I have a girlfriend and she probably staring” and I said “ I know and I respect your relationship” then you ask “ why are you just telling me this” and I don’t remember what I said but I was about to continue but you had to go so you put me down and I was about to go inside an you said “I love you” once more and I either said I love you, I love you too or I love you more can’t remember the I went inside and my dad was watching me I thought he was mad but then he shoed me a paper with something about computer science and I said “ Is this Joels ?” Then he said” yes” and replied “then why did he take up photography” I believe that’s where the dream ended.
You completely made my day! You were holding my hand. MY HAND and the fact that you left and came back and had your hand out for me to hold and it fit so perfectly SIGHHHHHHHHHH the love omgness head over heels I was so happy I was too happy its after 7pm and I still can’t stop smiling but you have a girlfriend that’s the sad part. Damn I’m too happy this is making me too happy. Wayyyyyyyy tooooo happy. You make me too happy. Your smile, eyes, hair
That heart you should me today was beautiful and meant for me forever and always
We have nothing in common we can’t even hold a proper conversation for a hour *sighhhhh* I guess you really aren’t meant for me.
Hey it’s been a long time. Its as if you have become a stranger to me. I don’t see you much anymore, but I wish you happiness.